Table 3:

Selected quotations from participants about guilt

Major themes	Quotation
Felt guilt and trauma about their role in the MAiD process	“It was just a hellish process for me but I have, you know, the knowledge that I signed my mom up [for MAiD] … Like, the fucking doctor wouldn’t do it … . It’s his job, he should have just done it. Yeah, so now I can never not have done it.” (Interview 24) “At one point, I almost felt like I was an accomplice to murder.” (Interview 26) “I didn’t want her to die, but I didn’t want [her] to be afraid. … And so I had a conversation with her. And I feel so guilty about this because I suggested, ‘Maybe [you’d] feel better if you just thought about, like, a date.’ … And so I feel guilty because … maybe she thought I thought she was a burden. … I hope not. Oh God.” (Interview 38^*) “I wondered when he had MAiD was it really assisted suicide? … And so, I was like, ‘Oh God, did I, did I help with that? Like did I, did I just give up?’ … I reckoned with that and the fact that … we really had no choice if he wanted to have to go out on his own terms.” (Interview 45)
Distress during and after the MAiD death	“I’m going to use the word traumatic. You know, this is going to have a lasting effect on you. … Yeah, seeing someone dead will traumatize you.” (Interview 16) “In the first few days afterwards I was quite haunted, just by the memory of being with her you know, right after she passed, with her body. … I just remember not sleeping very well, and thinking like, wishing for just a little bit more time. Which I think is natural.” (Interview 21) “I was not prepared for the size of the needles and the number of needles … to me, they look like needles one would use on a large animal like a veterinarian needle. But I guess that’s what it takes, and the combination of drugs.” (Interview 45) “When they were administering the medication, like, it was described to me that this would be, like, really peaceful. But she started, kind of gurgling, like, almost dry heaving, except it was not dry and that scared me a lot. But it was only seconds and then it was over. But then I said, ‘Oh my God, she’s gonna throw up, like, we need to help her.’ And everyone was like ‘Calm down, calm down.’ … It was pretty fast. … I still keep wondering to this day, is, ‘What was she thinking? She’s choking, did she change her mind? Is that why she was choking?’ That’s what I keep thinking.” (Interview 28)

Major themes

Quotation

Felt guilt and trauma about their role in the MAiD process

“It was just a hellish process for me but I have, you know, the knowledge that I signed my mom up [for MAiD] … Like, the fucking doctor wouldn’t do it … . It’s his job, he should have just done it. Yeah, so now I can never not have done it.” (Interview 24)
“At one point, I almost felt like I was an accomplice to murder.” (Interview 26)
“I didn’t want her to die, but I didn’t want [her] to be afraid. … And so I had a conversation with her. And I feel so guilty about this because I suggested, ‘Maybe [you’d] feel better if you just thought about, like, a date.’ … And so I feel guilty because … maybe she thought I thought she was a burden. … I hope not. Oh God.” (Interview 38^*)
“I wondered when he had MAiD was it really assisted suicide? … And so, I was like, ‘Oh God, did I, did I help with that? Like did I, did I just give up?’ … I reckoned with that and the fact that … we really had no choice if he wanted to have to go out on his own terms.” (Interview 45)

Distress during and after the MAiD death

“I’m going to use the word traumatic. You know, this is going to have a lasting effect on you. … Yeah, seeing someone dead will traumatize you.” (Interview 16)
“In the first few days afterwards I was quite haunted, just by the memory of being with her you know, right after she passed, with her body. … I just remember not sleeping very well, and thinking like, wishing for just a little bit more time. Which I think is natural.” (Interview 21)
“I was not prepared for the size of the needles and the number of needles … to me, they look like needles one would use on a large animal like a veterinarian needle. But I guess that’s what it takes, and the combination of drugs.” (Interview 45)
“When they were administering the medication, like, it was described to me that this would be, like, really peaceful. But she started, kind of gurgling, like, almost dry heaving, except it was not dry and that scared me a lot. But it was only seconds and then it was over. But then I said, ‘Oh my God, she’s gonna throw up, like, we need to help her.’ And everyone was like ‘Calm down, calm down.’ … It was pretty fast. … I still keep wondering to this day, is, ‘What was she thinking? She’s choking, did she change her mind? Is that why she was choking?’ That’s what I keep thinking.” (Interview 28)

Note: MAiD = medical assistance in dying.
↵* Information that Interviewee 38 added to clarify their quote is in square brackets.